In the Spring of 2008… Pedro Martinez’s dwarf friend will hit Johan Santana in the head with a baseball bat, after the concerned Santana asks him, “Whose your Daddy?”. In turn, Santana misses the rest of the season… two weeks due to the concussion and the remainder of the season because he’s afraid to leave his house.

In the Spring of 2008… Ryan Howard will get off to a record breaking start, hitting 23 home runs and knocking in 73 by April 30th. However, he will not take another at bat for the rest of the season, due to 437 consecutive intentional walks.

In the Spring of 2008… After striking out 32 consecutive times looking to start the season… Pat Burrell finally admits to needing glasses. He finishes the season with a .303 average with 48 home runs and 132 rbi’s, stealing the MVP award from Chase Utley. Asked if the specs had a negative effect on his love life, Burrell replies, “No way man, Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!”

In the Spring of 2008… When asked to assess Cole Hamels maturity as the staff ace, Charlie Manuel replies, “He been growed up!”.

In the Spring of 2008… Ann Iverson will be given incorrect change after ordering a beer and a hot dog at a Denver game. This forces Allen Iverson’s posse to start a major riot in the Denver metropolitan area. The Nuggets conclude that they must cut Iverson. In turn, the Sixers pick him up and make a serious run through the playoffs, sweeping Cleveland and taking out Boston and Detroit in five games. However, they lose game 7 of the finals when Iverson’s posse rushes the court to celebrate when The Sixers go up by 1 with 2 seconds left in regulation, forcing two technicals. Kobe Bryant sinks both T’s and the Sixers lose. Asked his feelings about the situation, Bryant replies, “Man, I’m sure glad no one likes me and I don’t have to deal with friends.”

In the Spring of 2008… In a desperate effort to rid themselves of the awful memory of letting the championship slip away, the Sixers trade Andre Iguodala, Andre Miller, Lou Williams and Thadeus Young in order to move up in the draft and pick O.J. Mayo with the 1st pick. Mayo, promptly signs a deal with a Chinese team for 80 million a year for 40 years. Ed Snider, promptly fires Mo Cheeks andEd Stefanski and rehires Larry Brown. Asked what his plans are for his team, which now only has 7 players on the roster, Brown replies, “We’ve got some special kids on our radar.” Led by 14 year old Joshua Huntington III, of Villanova, the Sixers finish 0-82. It turns out Huntington is Brown’s paper boy. After the season Brown defends Huntington’s poor play, “Hey, it’s not his fault… I brought him here because he passed a nice paper every morning and I liked the way he smelled.”

In the Spring of 2008… With their 1st two picks in the 2008 draft, The Eagles select an offensive tackle and defensive end. In the 3rd round, with Mario Manningham still shockingly available, Roger Goodell steps up to the podium and announces, “With the 73rd pick in this years draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select... Jimmy Kolb, QB… Stephenville Chargers of the Stephensville Pop Warner League.” Asked to explain why they would draft a 4th grader, who only had Pop Warner experience… Andy Reid explains, “Ahem.. uh… well… we feel we have to be, ahem, better prepared for the future. By the time Kevin Kolb even gets on the field, he’ll be 30 years old. By drafting his second cousin now, we feel he can develop slowly and be ready to step in when Kevin retires… ahem, times yours.”

In the Spring of 2008… Donovan McNabb will beat Matt Hasselbeck to death with a can of Chunky Soup. America and Philadelphia will finally embrace him and he will lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl following an MVP season. Turns out, it wasn’t T.O. after all… it really was the Chunky Soup. Crazy.

In the Spring of 2008… After signing Pac-Man Jones to a 7 year deal, Wade Phillips is asked if he’s worried about Pac-Man’s conduct, “I ain’t worried about it, he been growed up!” A week later it is revealed that Phillips is actually the long lost brother of Charlie Manuel.

In the Spring of 2008… Tony Romo will attend a Dallas Desperado’s Arena Football League game against the Philadelphia Soul. Afterwards, He and Jessica Simpson are told that Jon Bon Jovi would like to meet them. When their eyes meet, Tony and Jon just can’t deny their love. Romo dumps Jessica, and retires from the NFL to sign with the Soul. Replacing the oft-Injured Tony Graziani, Romo leads the Soul to the AFL Championship. To honor their love and success, the two adopt a son, and name him… Bono Romo.

In the Spring of 2008… During a late Spring BBQ at T.O.’s house, Barry Bonds pours some HGH into Greg Lewis‘ glass of Tang. Lewis shows up for training camp in Lehigh weighing 235 lbs, and due to the growth of his head, is now 6′5″ tall. On the first day of practice, he runs a 3.9 40 yard dash and breaks Broderick Bunkley’s nose when Bunkley asks, “Hey what’s up, Big Guy?” Reid cuts Lewis, who promptly signs with the Raiders and leads the league with 132 catches with 27 TD’s and 2,324 receiving yards. However, the night before their first playoff game, Lewis is sent to the hospital after trying to inject Tang into his buttocks, in hopes it would have a stronger affect then it had at T.O’s BBQ.

In the Spring of 2008… After striking it rich in the stock market… Lenny Dykstra shows up at Citizens Bank Park with Pete Incaviglia and Danny Jackson in tow. The three bully themselves into the Phillies front office and force David Montgomery to sell the team to Dykstra for one dollar and a half eatin’ pork sandwich. Lenny promptly fires Manuel and replaces him with Darren Daulton. Asked how he was able to buy the team from the stingy ownership group, Dykstra replies, “&#!$ Dudes, wooms derrny freserish blooorge a pla blah na na humm… dude.” Asked how he plans to manage the team, Daulton replies, “Shhhh…. the Aliens are listening man!”

In the Spring of 2008… after finishing the season with 5 losses in which they are outscored 58-1, Ed Snider signs himself to play on the team. The next season he leads the league in penalty minutes and suspensions, but leads the Flyers to the Stanley Cup. Asked how a man of his age could play so effectively, Snider responds, “I just kept picturing every player on the opposing teams had the face of Bonnie Lindros.”

In the Spring of 2008… Michael Vick will reveal that he has turned a new leaf and that he is totally rehabilitated. He goes on to say, “I love all living things and would never do anything to harm them. Since my time in prison, I have made many close friends and learned a lot about myself. Oh, that reminds me, please refer to me by the name my new friends in Block D call me… Shirley.”

In the Spring of 2008… After losing his job to Daren Daulton, Charlie Manuel catches up on some reading he’d been meaning to get to since high school. After putting down Moby Dick, he is overheard saying, “Boy that Moby Dick guy sure growed up big!”

In the Spring of 2008… after being eliminated in the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament, Jay Wright, Fran Dunphy, and Phil Martelli decide to go out for drinks and talk about the season. After too many beers, the three men go to John Chaney’s House and T.P. it. When they are finished, they turn and are surprised to see John Chaney standing behind them. Chaney calls Nehemiah Ingram off the garden bench and tells him to “send a message” to the 3 coaches. The three are never heard from again, but Chaney gets his job back at Temple, Rollie Massimino is hired by Nova, and St. Joe’s brings back Jack Ramsey from the dead (or the nursing home… wherever the heck he is). The 3 teams make the next season’s Final Four.

In the Spring of 2008… The Flyers Wives will host a new event. The Flyers Wives Fight The Flyers Carnival! The Wives will win. Sideshows include the Danny Briere +/- Chamber of Torture, where fans can try and freeze Danny in his Torture Box by adjusting a temperature gage that only gets colder.

In the Spring of 2008, T.O. will be rescued from another apparent suicide attempt. The 911 call transcript reads:

Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?” T.O: (sobbing) “He’s my Quarterback… How could he do this! (sniff sniff) I love my Quarterback… I mean… Bon Jovi is like 50 years old! What is he thinking! Tony… I love you Tony! Whyyyyyyyy!” After hearing this, Jeff Garcialeaves a message on T.O.’s answering machine, “Hey Terrell, Quack! Hope you’re feeling better.. quack… um excuse me… you know… I really hate that we left our hearts in San Francisco… Quack! Let’s get back together again… I really miss you. Quack!” Both retire before the season and open up a bakery “Endzone Buns” in San Francisco.

In the Spring of 2008… David Montgomery will be sneered at by a testy waiter at The Palm, for leaving him a 10% tip, and then asking for 2% of it back.

In the Spring of 2008… Jimmy Rollins will state, “We’re no longer the team to beat in the NL East, The Mets are clearly superior in every facet of the game… especially pitching.” A 3′2″ man with a large blood stained bat is seen lurking menacingly in the background.