When the schedules come out, it seems to be everyone’s favorite pastime to try and discern how many games their favorite team will win. I too like to indulge, but I like to think I have better sources then most. The following should be considered as fact, and if you’re the betting sort, I suggest you take out a loan and ride the season out. You’ll thank me in February.

Game 1: St. Louis Rams: Thanks to a healthy Marc Bulger and re-energized Steven Jackson, The Rams will roll into town with a lot of hope at the start of the season. However, in the first quarter of the game, while rolling to his right, Bulger pulls his arm back when he sees an open Torry Holt streaking down the field past Assante Samuel, who was blinded by a reflection from a penny Joe Banner dropped on the sideline.

As Bulger’s arm begins to move forward, it snaps off cleanly from the elbow down. The ball (and the arm) still get to Holt for a 72 yard TD, but that’s all they would score. Eagles win: 30-7

Post game news: Samuel will miss the next four games due to the burned cornea he suffered from the penny’s reflection (Joe Banner goes into hiding).

Game 2: @ Dallas Cowboys: For their last visit to Texas Stadium, the Eagles come with a gift for Wade Phillips. A life sized blow up doll of Charlie Manuel. Phillips is smitten the entire game with his new best friend and completely ignores the action on the field. Unfortunately for Eagles fans, Phillips himself, is a blow doll, and never does a damn thing on the sidelines anyway. Dallas wins 31-24.

Post game news: Chad Johnson (acquired in a draft day trade for Lito Sheppard) wins a dance off against Terrell Owens, who blames his poor performance on Jessica Simpson. TO cries to reporters in the locker room, “That’s my quarterback, ‘sniff ‘sniff. ‘Cause of her, we never get alone time anymore!”

Game 3: Pittsburgh Steelers: At the coin toss, when asked to call it in the air, Ben Rothlisberger replies “Call who?”. The Eagles get to receive first and an undrafted rookie returns the opening kickoff 99 yards for a TD, providing the difference in an epic defensive battle. Eagles win: 7-0

Postgame news: Andy Reid, in a rare show of emotion, gives the rookie sensation a big bear hug after the game. The rookie dies from the punctured lung caused by Reid’s hug. Reid eats the rookie to hide the evidence, and immediately re-signs Jeremy Bloom in a desperate attempt to shore up the return game.

Game 4: @ Chicago Bears: Donovan McNabb returns to his native Chicago, but without Samuel (still out with a burned cornea) the Bears are led to a last second victory when rookie Joe Flacco from Delaware (replacing an injured Rex Grossman in fourth quarter) leads them 99 yards down field in 58 seconds to beat the Eagles for the second time in two years. The Eagles do have an opportunity to return the ensuing kick, but Bloom drops the ball when it hits his hands. “Ouchies! Boy, that stings really bad! Can you pee on it to make the sting go away, please?”, Bloom is heard asking the trainer . Eagles lose 19-16

Post game news: Kevin’s Kolbs Dad, Roy Kolb, is overheard yelling at Kevin, “Why can’t you be like Flacco! I told you you’d never amount to nothing!” Hours later, Kolb is seen having an intense argument with his pet pig “Mr. Oinkey”.

Game 5: Washington Redskins: In a tribute to the up coming election, the Redskins change their names to the “Clintons”, and promptly lose when the Eagles come back in the second half, led by Donovan McNabb’s late surge in the fourth quarter. Eagles win: 42-35.

Post game news: Donovan McNabb, when asked if his leg is finally fully healed, Is interrupted by his Mother Wilma, “My Son is doing just fine, thank you!” Donovan replies, “Stop answering my questions for me, Mommy! You’re ruining my life! I hate you!”, and storms out of the media room. He meets Kolb in the trainers room to play with Mr Oinkey.
Game 6: @ San Francisco 49ers: In the game before the bye week… oh I guess everyone knows this. 49ers win their only game of the season: 49ers 24-17.

Post game news: Asked about his team’s inability to focus the week before the bye, Reid replies, “That’s somethin’ we’re gonna have to uh, ahem… work on…ahem…next year.”

Game 7: Atlanta Falcons: The Eagles outplay the Falcons in every facet, however, the game is marred when Michael Vick shows up wearing a dress and asks if he can be a cheerleader. 60,000 fans puke simultaneously. Eagles win, 45-0.

Post game news: Asked how he got out of jail so soon, Vick replies, “Well, let’s just say I’ve earned time off for doing, um ‘special favors’ for the penitentiary staff and the community in cell block D. Oh, and my new name is Shirley.” The media pukes collectively.

Game 8: @ Seattle Seahawks: In their last game facing each other (Mike Holmgren is retiring after the season), the two coaches agree to not run the ball. McNabb breaks the single game records for most yards (882), pass attempts (94), completions (72), and TD’s (10), while leading the Eagles to victory. Eagles win 70-63.

Post game news: After catching 32 passes for 680 yards and 9 TD’s, Chad Johnson is overheard saying, “I don’t know why he threw it to Reggie Brown that last play, I was wide open on the sidelines… this ‘ain workin’ out the way I thought it would for Ocho.”

Game 9: New York Giants: New York comes into the game struggling, having lost 4 in a row. Obviously, they are incapable of repeating last years performance, but play well against the Eagles until the fourth quarter.

With the Eagles trailing 23-17, McNabb avoids Michael Strahan , Osi Umenyora, and Mathias Kiwanuka, in the backfield and starts to scramble down field. Giants DB, James Butler grazes McNabb’s leg with his index finger as he runs by, knocking it clean off from the knee down. McNabb hops into the end zone on one leg, but is boo’d mercilessly by Eagles fans, who accuse him of running apathetically for the last 49 yards of the play. Eagles win 24-23.

Post Game news: Asked if Kevin Kolb will get to play the following week due to McNabb’s freak injury, Reid replies, “Actually Donovan’s injury isn’t that serious… it was a clean break, and the doc’s think they can mend it together pretty quickly… besides, we still have AJ. He’ll go if we need someone to cover for 5.”

Asked for his reaction to Reid’s comments, Kolb replies, “Did you know it only takes 45 seconds for a 350lb wild boar to bleed out when you cut it’s belly open?” Reporters back out of the locker room slowly.

Game 10: @ Cincinnati Bengals: In his return home, Chad Johnson pulls Jerry Springer from the crowd and does a waltz in the end zone with the trash talk show host, Dancing with the Stars Alum, and former Mayor, to celebrate his first TD of the day. However, AJ Feeley throws 8 more TD’s to the Bengals D (4 of them are returned by Lito). Eagles lose 63-14.

Post game news:  Asked if he misses playing in Cincinnati, Johnson replies, “I don’t know what happened here.  I never asked to go.  I loved…”  Drew Rosenhous, his agent interrupts, “Next question!”

Game 11: @ Baltimore Ravens: John Harbaugh, suffering through a miserable season with the Ravens in his first year as head coach, is surprised to see his team trailing by only 3 with one minute remaining. Facing a 4th and 12 from the Raven 45 yard line, Harbaugh elects to punt. Reid sends out Brian Westbrook to receive. In a panic, Harbaugh walks to the Eagles sideline, taps on Reids shoulder and can be overheard telling Reid, “Put Greg Lewis in the game, best hands on the team, Andy… he couldn’t possibly do it twice, right?” Reid is confused, but listens to his old special teams coach.

Lewis replaces Westbrook and promptly fumbles the ball into the end zone, giving Harbaugh his first win of the season. Eagles lose 16-13

Post Game news: Eagles re-sign Reno Mahe, whose been keeping in shape by chasing around his cousin Vai Sikahema in hopes of replacing John Clarke on NBC10 (By the way, if anyone would like to start a petition to get John Clarke fired…). And Reid announces he’s benching Brian Westbrook for the remainder of the season so he can rest up for the playoffs.

Game 12: Arizona Cardinals: McNabb returns to the line-up after missing two games and promptly leads the Eagles to a surprising rout of the upstart Cards. With the Eagles up 49-10 with three minutes left, McNabb receives boo’s from fans who are eager to see Kolb get his first action of the season. McNabb throws another TD and is showered with garbage from the stadiums upper level. Eagles win 56-10

Post game news: Asked after the game why he didn’t let Kolb get some action in garbage time, Reid responds, “Ahem… times yours.” After a reporter repeats the same question, Reid asks, “Is that a jelly doughnut on your breathe? Smells delicious, hey Kevin, pass me a doughnut please?” Excited for a chance to pass anything, Kevin drops back and fires a doughnut right into Reid’s mouth. Kevin pumps his fist and is promptly smacked in the back of his head by his Dad, “Stop showin’ off!” Reid remarks, “Mmmmm, delicious… but it’s actually up to Kevin’s Dad when he plays. I’d have no problem throwin’ him in there… but Roy’s got final say.”

Game 13: @ New York Giants: After a slow recovery from his eye injury, Eagles fans finally see why Assante Samuel was such a great signing. He intercepts Eli Manning twice and returns both for TD’s. Drew Rosenhous is seen lurking in the bowels of the Meadowlands. Eagles win 27-3.

Post Game News: Tom Coughlin is fired as the coach of the Giants immediately following the game. Asked for his reaction to the firing, Eli stares into the camera blankly as drool drizzles out of the corner of his mouth.

Game 14: Cleveland Browns: Before the game, the NFL suspends Browns wideout Dante Stallworth for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Without their speedy receiver, Samuel shuts down Braylon Edwards, and the Eagles win easily. Eagles 38-13.

Post game news: Asked how he failed his drug test, Stallworth replies, “The Easter Bunny said I couldn’t get caught. Since he made it it himself, he said it was legal. Man, never buy grass from the Easter Bunny. It looks really cool, with all the different colors and stuff… but it just doesn’t do the job.”

Game 15: At Washington Redskins: Yeah, they just suck. Eagles clinch the Division. Eagles 49-0

Post game news: Asked about the new offenses explosive ability, Reid smiles, and promptly cuts Brian Westbrook.

Game 16: Dallas Cowboys: Reid benches all of his starters, in what turns out to be a meaningless game. Kolb gets permission from his Dad to play, and leads the Birds to victory, passing for 475 yards and 5 TD’s in his first start in the NFL. Eagles win: 38-13

Post game news: After the game, Kevin is asked how the contentious relationship between he and his Father affects his game play, “He’s tough on me, for sure… but that’s how…hey you guys smell bacon?   Kolb goes into hysterics when he sees his best friend, Mr. Oinkey, on a BBQ Pit in front of Shawn Andrews locker stall. Kolb goes nuts, and takes “The Big Kid’s” Sponge Bob action figure and uses it in the shower, inciting a locker room riot. For some reason a naked (except for his his shower sandals) TO is seen running away from a fully clothed Hugh Douglas. 18 players are put on the injured list and the Eagles lose their first round playoff game.

Final regular season record: 11-5. Mark it down folks. I got the info from Mr. Oinkey himself!