Carolina’s biggest offensive weapon, the speedy Steve Smith, was suspended by the front office for an altercation last week with cornerback Ken Lucas’s face. The aggressive Lucas was angrily kneeling during practice when he interfered with a Steve Smith right cross, which broke his nose and forced him to the bench for at least three weeks to think about what he has done. Mr. Smith is now apparently on a zero tolerance policy with management, which presents an interesting opportunity for Eagles fans across the world. Antagonize Steve Smith. Go to the practices. Interrupt press conferences. Show up to family dinner in a polish bowling shirt and Jams.

Generalissimo Bob Gallagher Sounds the Alarm

In what seems to be a Philadelphia Eagles tradition, the Birds traded away their first round draft pick, this year to Carolina, and in return they received the Panthers’ 2^nd and 4^th round pick and next year’s first round pick. A rudimentary statistical analysis, sample sizes be damned, reveal that the Panthers cannot win gameswithout Steve Smith. Therefore, it is the job, nay the duty, of Eagles fans to do whatever they can to get Steve Smith suspended beyond the first two weeks. It is dangerous work, engaging the mighty Steve Smith, and you will likely suffer corporal harm, but that is precisely the dedication that we have come to expect from the zealous fans of Philadelphia.

The over-arching goal of this brilliant plan is to allow the Eagles to not trade away a mere mid-to-late round pick in the first round, but to really suck the lifeblood out of the fanbase on draft day by trading away a top ten pick, preferably for a can of kale and an O-lineman with mental problems.

As a true fan, one must be willing to do whatever it takes to win, and this plan is a flawless as they come, unless the Eagles blow it by wasting a early pick on real blue chip talent.