Most of you reading this would agree that the Philadelphia Eagles are the greatest football team on the planet, ever. Unfortunately many people outside of the City of Brotherly Love have yet to learn this unquestionable truth. To that end some of us must go out amongst the heathens to teach them our West Coast Offensive ways. I’ve successfully survived outside of the Philly area for three years now. I thought it would be helpful to those of you who are planning on going out and spreading the word, or already find yourself far way from Mecca for me to give you some weekly advice based on my trials and tribulations as an Eagles fan wondering in the wilderness.

The first thing you need to do is know the schedule. Not just the weekly TV schedule the entire season schedule. Once it’s announced print that thing out! First of all, having a schedule reminds you that football will in fact return next year so celebrate it in much the way Druids once celebrated the Solstice. Once you’ve recovered from your Return of Football celebration also print out the local team’s (losers’) schedule along with any local events calendars, all of this information is crucial. Now that you have this together, start putting together a master calendar, make sure to consult each calendar for game times, byes, and weekend events. Also make sure to keep track of any distractions from your personal life, like weddings, births or Bat Mitzvahs that may encroach on your Sunday ritual.

Knowledge of schedule is crucial because not knowing what’s going on can ruin your Game Day. For instance in my first year here I thought I’d found a nice Sunday watering hole with plenty of TVs and good specials. One beautiful Sunday I scooped up a seat in front of their behemoth HD flat screen and order enough wings to get me through the first half, and enough beer to get me to game time. As game time approached I saw more and more local team fans trailing in. Now since I am in their back yard I always expect a few, especially since they know the road to the Super Bowl has a way of detouring through Lincoln Financial Field, but this time there was something different; there were too many and they were angry. They packed around me, cramming every corner and booth with loathsome non-Eagles fan. The air stunk like non mobile quarterback and unscripted opening plays.

Then the music cut out…

Then the fight song came on…

I was in the heart of a local team bar! I’d never known because for every game before that we’d played at 1:00 pm and they’d played at 4:00 pm or Monday. Now it was too late, I was sucked into a sea of nauseating red and yellow. Pathetic poorly conceived insults rained upon me:

“Is Donovan McNabb gonna be dumb today?”

“Nice… uh Green loser. You know that’s yellow mixed with red right?”

“Thanks for Todd Pinkston!”

Nobody puts Brady in the corner!

Obviously being an Eagles fan I could have easily pummeled them all and stolen their women. But being an Eagles fan, Andy Reid has taught me that when we make mistakes we have to pay for to pay the price so eventually we can learn a valuable lesson. If not for Freddie Mitchell there may never have been a DeSean Jackson. So I took it all in stride. They even tried to tempt my anger by relegating me to the ancient Magnavox in the corner, and forcing me to watch some bootleg version of an Eagles broadcast. I remained stoic.

Learn from my miscalculations. Know when the Birds are playing, know when the local team is playing, and know that you’re one step closer to being successful on the road.