Imagine this little number in Eagles green!

When the Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick to a two year deal the only people who were not surprised were the Eagles front office and Vick, his agent was probably stunned. Then Roger Goodell decided suspension until week three was enough of a penalty, Tony Dungy must be a heck of a salesman. Due to those two events we’ve been steamrolling towards this weekend, when he would actually step on to the field against the Kansas City Chiefs. Given Vick’s past actions the move has garnered understandable scrutiny and speculation; it’s even produced questionable marketing opportunities. Now I can’t help you navigate the complicated moral quagmire that is getting your dog a #7 jersey, I can tell you that getting yourself a #7 Ron Mexico jersey would be freaking sweet! I can also give you some easy answers to questions you might face at your local watering hole this weekend:

Q: How do you sleep at night knowing that bastard is on your team?

A: I sleep well. I know my team is trying to find ways to win, and as a fan that gives me the warm and fuzzies. At one time he was the “fastest player in football” avoiding prison shanks and all the other joys of prison life has probably made him much quicker, and improved his pocket presence. He also learned the value of money (as if a $20 Million bankruptcy case wouldn’t do it.) I hear he bought a prescription for Valtrex with three packs of Kool Menthol 100’s and the dessert from his lunch for two months. End of the day, I didn’t elect him Pope. He’s a third string quarterback on a football team who’s taken roughly a 93% salary reduction, cut the guy a break.

Q: You know his QB rating was terrible right? He’s going to be a total bust and I should know because I’m Matt Millen.

A: Well Mr. Millen, while I do appreciate your commentary, the jury came back on your ability to judge player talent and run a football team. The verdict: EPIC FAIL. So I’m not going to take you as the definitive judge of anyone’s talent. That given, you bring up a valid point. Vick himself said that he’s never worked that hard, because he never has had to, he went to Virginia Tech for crying out loud! This time it has to be different. If incalculable debt, to society and his creditors, and the need to make this work aren’t enough then nothing will be. In theory, this should be the best he ever plays. Expect him to play like his pants are on fire! Also, even though he never played that well from a Quarterback perspective, he still won with the Atlanta Falcons.

Q: Since you’re taking in Michael, are you going to pick up Marcus Vick too? Maybe you can run a Vick Halfway house for the NFL!

A: No, that’s not going to happen. There are too many in Philadelphia for Marcus. Besides, the Eagles already have their hands full with an idiot brother duo.

Q: Do you want another beer? How about a Brat or a Dog? I think we have wings left too.

A: Yes, to all of them; as much of all of them as I can fit in my mouth.

Q: If Vick does well do you think there’s going to be a Quarterback controversy?

A: Vick is going to do well; as a slash back, and a Zovirax spokesmen. He’ll come in as a change of pace and give our Red Zone offence a much needed boost inside fifteen yards. He however is not what I would call a “Field General” the receiving core he has now is pretty similar to what he had to work with at the Falcons and he hasn’t shown any touch which is going to get him picked off if he’s throwing as much as the Eagles would with someone else. In mid field and during drives starting deep in our zone he’s just not a threat. Remember Kevin Kolb was Conference USA MVP, and Donovan McNabb is our quarterback! He’s clearly the best we have when he’s healthy, hopefully he’ll be healthy soon. Especially this week, I think he’s going to lighten the load for Brian Westbrook more than anything.

Q: How’s your fantasy team doing?

A: How is that applicable right now? There’s real football on, watch that. Though since you asked, I need Maurice Jones-Drew to have a big game. I also need McNabb to come back with the quickness; I’m dying out here with Brett “I lover Wranglers” Favre.

Q: Don’t you realize what he did to those animals?

A: Yes, we get national news in Philadelphia too. He did horrible things which, if you ask me another question about Mr. Mexico, I’ll do to you. While he may not be the best guy ever, he’s still an Eagle!