No!

I did not wait 25 years, watch another city lift the championship trophy almost 100 times, and suffer through a Jim McMahon/Jeff Kemp/Pat Ryan/Brad Goebel Eagles team to have an Arena Football League team be the ones who get the glory for finally bringing a championship to this city.

So I better not see a parade down Broad street next week with the city painted teal and black, or have Benjamin Franklin Parkway turned in Matt D’Orazio Way. And while team co-owner John Bon Jovi can throw a free concert if he wants to, do not dare deck out the Billy Penn statue in 80s era Bon Jovi attire.

Let’s take this for what it is: a minor league team won a championship – something that’s been done in this city many times before. In hockey the Phantoms have won two Calder Cups. In indoor soccer the Kixx have won two MISL championships (most recently last year). And in lacrosse the Wings have one six championships, while the Barrage have won three. Yet I don’t recall seeing any of these championships featured on SportsNite on Comcast SportsNet. And why is that? Because they’re not major sports.

So while over the next day or so you’ll read about how this is Philadelphia’s first championship in 25 years, or that the curse is over, or that Arena Football is a “legitimate sport,” know that this is people grasping at straws. Repeat after me. “This. Doesn’t. Count.”

But hey congrats Philadelphia Soul on winning your championship, just don’t try telling me it means anything. Because until the Eagles, Flyers, Phillies or Sixers bring a championship to the city the truth is Billy Penn is still standing on his perch above city hall putting the kibosh on our fun.

Although it’s been known for some months now, the official announcement of the Spectrum’s demolition came down today which Ed Snider called “one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.” From today’s Comcast-Spectacor press release, the word is the building will be torn down following the 2008-2009 Kixx and Phantom’s seasons, meaning some time after May 2009 probably. Since there was such a buildup to the implosion of Veterans Stadium in 2004, you have to imagine there will be even more hubbub around the demolition of the Spectrum since it arguably held more significant sporting events through the years … or at least more championships.

The plans for the area where the Spectrum now stands are pretty exciting, although do we really have to call it “Philly Live!,” really? But still, losing a building that has been part of Philadelphia sports for over 40 years is going to be tough … even if the place is a dump. In anticipation of the months of reminiscing, Comcast-Spectacor has set up a website, Remember the Spectrum, which has photos throughout the years of the Flyers and Sixers (although only two Sixers pictures and three Flyers), ticket stubs and back-stage passes.

Plus there is a calendar of all the events that happened in the Spectrum since September 30, 1967. Which means you can go and relive the memory of your girlfriend going backstage with Van Halen in the summer of ’86 only to re-emerge four hours later disheveled and out of breath … good times.

So the dingy confines of the Wachovia Spectrum will be torn down in about a year and some might say “good riddance” (actually plenty are saying that I’m sure), but a question that remains unanswered is what will happen to lower teir sports teams like the Soul, Phantoms and Kixx.

This season the Soul have probably moved themselves into a solid #5 spot in Philly sports, meaning it’s very likely they would play all their games in the Wachovia Center from here on out, so the demolition of the Spectrum shouldn’t affect them at all. In fact, it’s probably a bonus. But then there are the other teams.

Obviously it has been handy for the Flyers to have their minor league affiliate literally steps away, but it is possible the Phantoms could move and it looks like the Lehigh Valley might be one of the areas in play. Developers in the Allentown area are considering building a new arena that could be the future home of the Phantoms although it’s likely a few years away, meaning the team would have to play in a temporary location until the arena is finished. But at this point the team doesn’t have a home for the 2009-2010 season anyway. And with the success of the Iron Pigs in drawing fans around the Allentown region, a trip up the Northeast Extention might work for the Phantoms.

The Kixx have much bigger problems than not having a home to play in, at this point they don’t even have a league. In June the Major Indoor Soccer League ceased operations for the 2008-2009 in an attempt to restructure the league which they claim will bring ”greater efficiencies, while also allowing long term growth and expansion of the league.” Whatevs. While the Kixx have had some popularity in the area (they won the MISL championship in 2007) they still only draw about 6,000 fans per game which is about 1/3 the capacity of the Spectrum. Another thing that hurts the Kixx is, unlike the Phantoms, they are not owned by Comcast-Spectacor, meaning they would likely have to rent the Wachovia Center if they wanted to play there. That’s not happening. So, perhaps a Phantoms move to Allentown might help the Kixx as well.

So in a few years when you’re visiting the capitalistic mecca that will be Philly Live! hopefully you’ll still remember that at one time an arena stood there which saw the likes of Dr. J and Bobby Clarke, Hulk Hogan and Bruce Springsteen, and The Philadelphia Bulldogs. Actually, let’s forget that last part … fucking Tony Danza and his damned roller hockey!

In the bottom of the fifth inning of last night’s Phillies win over the Cardinals, Carlos Ruiz sat on first base and Jimmy Rollins stepped to the plate. The score was 0-0 and once again the Phillies offense that was so potent the last time the met the Cardinals was looking enemic. But then the team’s secret weapon emerged – the Phillies graphics department.

With the count 0-1 the graphics department put up a stat (which Tom McCarthy read for all of you who didn’t finish grade school) saying the team hadn’t scored in the last 13.1 innings. 10 seconds later Jimmy Rollins hit a stand-up triple scoring Ruiz from first base. Here’s the video.

Now you can go ahead and say that’s just a coincidence if you want, but I happen to think the Phillies graphics department has a direct line to the baseball gods. I mean we have to get some kind of benefit for the last 125 years, right?

So I hereby call for the broadcast team to put up some sort of graphic each time the Phillies are in some sort of slump. It’s bound to work.

 Dear National Sports Media (read: Our ESPN overlords),

We really enjoy what you do for us, really we do. If not for you we couldn’t check our fantasy stats when our girlfriends leave the room as we’re stuck watching America’s Got Talent (Don’t Hassle the Hoff). We wouldn’t know that the Cleveland Indians have only a 0.7% chance of making the playoffs (shouldn’t that have dropped when they dealt Sabathia). And we would have never been introduced to the smooth stylings of Stephen A. Smith. Hey, it’s a mixed bag. But with baseball in full swing, the NBA and NHL free-agent period underway and NFL training camp right around the corner, do you really need to manufacture stories about Brett Favre?

Brett Favre was a great player, just ask John Madden. And none of us are going to argue that he should go right into Canton. Hell, put his bust in there now, let him live there, whatever he wants to do. We also know that having him come out of retirement would make a great story, especially for the reporters in Bristol, CN (although Aaron Rodgers will probably go Jeff Gillooly on him if he does). But please stop ramming a non-existent story down our throat (although we’ll allow you to ram the idea that competitive eating is a sport down our throat, pun intended, because … well it’s funny to watch people gorge themselves and throw-up).

Last week Chris Mortensen reported, based on … uh we’re not sure, that Brett Favre told Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy he would like to play this year. Then Al “He Flag Me” Harris opened his mouth and said Favre told me he had an “itch” to play this year. Well, guess what ESPN, just about every one of us would like to play football this year but, with the exception of a game of touch on the beach this summer where we’ll sprain our ankle, it won’t happen. And as for the itch, that can be cured with hydrocortisone.

Even when Brett came out and said the entire story was based on rumor the story just continued on. On ESPN radio today Mike and Mike in the Morning spent an entire segment on Favre’s return. And when we go to the ESPN.com’s NFL page, there’s a picture of Brett with a story from Kevin Seifert that reads, “the Packers know they must resolve this situation before training camp.” What “situation” is that Kevin? The “situation” that Brett said he’s retired and has yet to say anything different?

Today you’re all over a story that Brett sent a text message to Packers GM Ted Thompson. Honestly we’re shocked by this development. Not because it means Favre is returning though, we’re just surprised that Brett texts at age 38, we thought it was just something for fans of Miley Cyrus.

So please ESPN, we’re begging you, stop reporting on Brett Favre’s comeback. If he ends up actually returning then by all means jump on the story but until them let the man live on the Bayou and make Prilosec commercials.

Love,

American Sports Fans

P.S. – Outside of New England we don’t really like Boston as much as you think.

kthxbye

So last night the rumor came out that Alex Rodriguez‘s wife is leaving him for Lenny Kravitz and the Internet almost blew up. Who would have thought any story could take away from the “Brett Favre Returns” story from Favre fellatist Chris Mortensen? A quick look at google trends shows that five of the top 10 searches on google involve Rodriguez and his wife (although my favorite trend comes in at #52 – watermelon viagra). I’ll grant you this is a pretty big story (I’m writing about it, right?) but if ARod still played in Seattle or Texas would this be this big of a story? Clearly if he played in Philadelphia it wouldn’t.

New York is the biggest city in the world, I get it. But for god’s sake just because they’re the biggest market doesn’t mean ESPN, and in turn the rest of the sports media world, has to cover them so much. When the Mets finally fired Willie Randolph two weeks ago it was the biggest story in the sports world. Remember, the Mets were in third place at the time of his firing. If the Phillies were in third place and fired Charlie Manuel it would be a huge story too … in Philly. But not nationally.

I actually got in an argument with someone about this when it happened. The other person said, “You’re telling me if Andy Reid got fired it wouldn’t be a national story.” Sure, sure it would! But Andy Reid has won coach of the year honors and has one of the best winning percentages of active coaches over the last eight seasons. Willie Randolph won one division title and was manager for a little over two seasons. Oh, but he was the manager in New York, and used to be a Yankee … I forgot.

Granted, if a professional baseball player (and future Hall-of-Famer) has his wife leave him, allegedly, for Lenny Kravitz it’s probably going to be a news story regardless of where he plays, but I doubt it would get this kind of coverage. Let’s look at some of the off-the-field coverage Philadelphia sports figures have received over the last few years. What has the national coverage looked like?

Aaron McKie gets arrested on gun charges — yawn.

Andy Reid‘s kids are drug-addicted-losers — HUGE story … in Philadelphia.

Brett Myer‘s allegedly beats his wife — well it happened in Boston so it’s a story.

Dont get me wrong here, I’m not saying any of these should have been big stories. But if Tom Coughlin‘s kids were getting caught with a car full of prescription drugs, every reporter in Bristol would have a collective multiple orgasm.

Still, where else but New York could you have a report that a married player is hooking up with Madonna while his wife is shacking up with Lenny Kravitz in Paris. Seriously, people want to live in that city? Although to be fair, Philadelphia will probably turn into something like that if Kris “husband of Anna” Benson ends up making it to the big club. Between her and Cole Hamels‘ and Chase Utley‘s wives I can see a story brewing.

Anna Benson will bang the entire Phillies roster (except Brett Myers for obvious reasons – chin vagina), Heidi Strobel-Hamels will be hooking up with Sebastian Bach and Jennifer Utley will be hunting on a ranch somewhere with Ted Nugent. Hey it could happen.

But if it does, don’t look for a huge story on it. Except in the Daily News, they’ll be on it for days!!

Lenny Dykstra. Nails. The Dude. You have to love him right? I still remember when he showed up for spring training in 1993 all jacked up and proclaimed he had taken some “good vitamins” during the off-season. Oh that Lenny, what a kidder. So when you found out he had become some kind of stock genius, you basically had to pick your jaw off the floor didn’t you? Well, it might all be crashing (like a car into a tree?) around him as evidenced by the listing of his SoCal home for $25 million. Get out while you can Dude!

The house, which is on the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, CA, used to be the home of Wayne Gretzky and is – technically speaking – ginormous. So if you’re looking for a little spot for you and the wife and kids, consider this place with it’s 12,713 square feet, eight bedrooms, seven baths located on seven acres next to a GOLF COURSE! But don’t let me sell you on the place, let’s look at what Sotheby’s says (yea, I said Sotheby’s):

This timeless estate, designed by architect Richard Landry, sits atop a secluded promontory w/ panoramic views of Lake Sherwood community & the Country Club facilities. This 7 +/- acre gated compound, creates the perfect blend of old world grandeur w/ today’s modern amenities which include Formal Grand Salon, Billiards room, Screening Room, Outdoor Verandas, Fitness Facility, Championship Tennis Court, 2 separate guest apartments, all set against the backdrop of manicured gardens & lawns.

How’s that duplex you have your eye on looking now?

Anyway, Lenny claims he’s selling the place because it’s too big.

It’s a compound; it’s not a house,” said Dykstra, the former All-Star outfielder. “I can go for a couple of days and not see any other family members. I found out I had a tennis court I didn’t know I had. And I had to buy it completely furnished. I couldn’t afford to buy furniture to fill this place. Are you kidding me?”

But something to me seems fishy. He knew what he was getting himself into when he bought the place and now he’s trying to sell it … in this housing market? I mean, he is some financial genius, right? I’m not tight with Ben Bernanke but I hear it’s a crappy time to sell a house. So, why is he doing it then? Well, maybe because Forbes basically called him a fraud a couple of weeks ago.

In a recent Forbes article, Joshua Lipton writes, “a close look at Dykstra’s portfolio raises doubts about whether the baseball All-Star turned TheStreet.com guru has been picking many of those stocks or relying on a seasoned stand-in.” According to Lipton it appears that Dykstra has actually been making his stock picks based on the “advice” of market strategist Richard Suttmeier. When the magazine compared the buy recommendations of Dykstra on TheStreet.com from April 1- May 1 with those in Suttmeier’s weekly Sector Report, 11 of Dykstra’s 17 picks had earlier appeared in Suttmeiers report. Ooops.

But that’s just one of The Dude’s problems. If you saw him on HBO’s Real Sports earlier this year you saw him hyping his new magazine Players Club which was going to have professional athletes as its target audience. Well, the first issue came out and then … well the second and third are now held up in court as Dykstra takes the magazine’s publisher, Doubledown Media LLC, to court. In May the New York Post reported that freelance writers who had written pieces for the two unpublished issues had yet to be paid. Oh and to make matters worse, Doubledown is countersuing Dykstra for $787,000 and saying he stole the second issue of the magazine. Apparently The Dude does not abide.

But still, where does this house come into play? Well according to the Doubledown’s countersuit “Dykstra appealed to the New York publisher to assist him in raising cash, either by helping him secure a loan collateralized with his new home or by finding a buyer for a promissory note he held against a car wash.” Oh noes!

So, if you’re looking for a place in SoCal I say wait it out a few months. In this market the price is bound to come down soon. I’m thinking $24.5 million at most.

How many times over the years did you say to yourself, “I wish I could choke out that little fuck Ed Wade.” My count was around 15,000. Well, (soon to be former) Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon has lived all our dreams. J Platt says Chacon shouldn’t be allowed to pitch in the majors ever again. I say, give him the keys to the city!

Ed Wade’s not our problem anymore I guess. And since he’s a GM in the National League it probably benefits us as Phillies fans since you know the Astros aren’t doing anything while he’s there. In fact, there might be an opening in New York Ed, maybe you might want to look into that job, I’m just saying.

This story is really pretty amazing. The fact that Chacon admitted to grabbing Wade by the neck, throwing him to the ground and jumping on him is amazing in itself. But what is most shocking in my opinion is that Chacon was able to get his hands around Wade’s head. Have you seen the noggin on that guy? Seriously the head to body ratio has got to be 2-1.

But you’ve got to at least feel a little sorry for Wade, it’s been a tough year. Actually fuck him, I don’t feel sorry, but let’s review some of the things that have happened to Wade over the last year.

• Last August he got stuck in a tree while skydiving in New Jersey and hung 75 feet from the ground until he could be rescued.
• After getting the GM job in Houston he traded Brad Lidge and Eric Bruntlett to the Philles for Geoff Geary and Michael Bourne. It’s not the worst trade in history, but Lidge has been lights out for the Phillies and Bruntlett played great in place of Jimmy Rollins earlier in the year. Meanwhile Bourne is batting .234 and Geoff Geary is … well, Geoff Geary.
• He aquired Miguel Tejada the day before he was named in the Mitchell Report, and then in April Tejada announced that he was actually 34, not 32 as previously thought. Oh, and his last name turned out to be Tejeda, not Tejada.
• He get’s choked by one of his own players
• Astros are 13 games out of first place on June 26, which is probably a familiar position for Wade.

Tough year, tough year.

So sure, choking someone is wrong. When you get in an argument with your boss later today, choking him would be on the list of things to not do. But seriously, when you read this story you smiled and said “Shawn Chacon is my hero” didn’t you? It’s OK, you can admit it.

This makes two days in a row that former Philadelphia sports figures are arrested. Yesterday we had Javon Kearse getting a DUI and now Aaron McKie is charged with “falsifying forms when purchasing two handguns in Upper Moreland Township on April 8″ according to Montgomery County District Attorney Risa Ferman.

The last I heard from Aaron McKie he was being traded from the LA Lakers to the Memphis Grizzlies even though he was an assistant coach on the Sixers at the time. This is why the NBA is a mess, an assistant coach on one team is traded by another team to a third team just to match salaries, try understanding that one.

Anyway back to the firearms charges, because the mother of McKie’s child has a protection-from-abuse order against him he is prohibited from owning firearms. But, when he went to buy these firearms in April, McKie failed to mention this protection order while filling out the federal form. Oooops. When state police ran a background check on McKie they found the discrepency.

By now don’t athletes know by know that nothing good comes from owning a gun? Allen Iverson, (Pacman)Adam Jones, Jayson Willams … do I need to go on?

It’s safe to say Javon Kearse’s time in Philadelphia was disappointing to say the least, so it wasn’t really shocking when the Eagles released him earlier this year. Now the word coming out of Tennessee is that Kearse was arrested and charged with DUI early Sunday morning after being stopped near Vanderbilt University by campus police. You’re telling me with all that money he stole from the Eagles he couldn’t hire a driver?

Reportedly, Kearse took a field sobriety test but refused to take a breathalyzer which is a violation of Tennessee’s implied consent law. When he was pulled over the officer reported he “exhibited slurred speech, red eyes, and smelled of alcohol.”

Well I guess that’s one way to get your career back on track.

The news coming out of Canada is the Flyers and Jeff Carter have agreed on a three-year deal worth around $15 Million. Carter was slated to become a Group 2 free agent on July 1 and with the NHL draft beginning tomorrow night there were thoughts Carter might be traded. But Carter seemed to pass up the potential for more money to stay in Philadelphia.

There are a couple of surprising things about this deal. One is that Carter could have probably received more money from another club (although that team probably would have had to give up a first, second and third round draft choice for signing him) – Carter will get somewhere between $3-$4 Million per year from the Flyers.

The other thing is, the 23-year-old Carter seems to be stuck as the third-line Center behind Mike Richards and Danny Briere, both of whom are signed well into the next decade. There are a number of teams on which Carter would probably play on the first line.

“We have gone over all the different situations and I’ve explained them all, and what you have to say is that sometimes people make decisions for different reasons,” said Carter’s agent Rick Curran.

So it appears Carter wants to stay on a team that has a good shot of playing for the Stanley Cup next year rather than going to a team that might not contend, but where he wold get more playing time and more money. Wow, what’s wrong with him?